You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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