i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
