mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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