I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
