I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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