he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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