Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
