We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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