I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
