The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
