at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
