have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
