he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
