Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
