I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
