Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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