He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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