Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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