Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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