I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
