I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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