Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
