He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
