Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
