You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
