If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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