When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
