Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
