new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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