ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
