He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
