Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
