Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
