I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
