totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
