You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
