Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
