I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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