I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
