I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
handjob tips. give me some.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
