I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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