Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
