So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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