I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
