sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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