So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize