that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize