Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
