u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
