Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
