Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
