I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
