my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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