just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
