I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
