Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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